Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Those no longer with us

Well hello there.
        After a long, rather depressing memory session with my mother this evening it got me thinking. Rather negatively but thinking all the same. I'm very lucky,touch wood, to say that I haven't really lost anyone close to me. I have attended very few funerals and therefore haven't really experienced what it's like to lose a loved one. However I have had many animals and as they don't last as long as human's, a lot of misery has been caused. Sounds soppy I know but like many other people, I always classed animals as siblings or family. The first animal I lost was a goldfish, because he wasn't really mine to begin with I wasn't fazed. But as I got older, so did my animals. First it was one of my guinea pigs. Came home from my Nan and granddads and she'd died. I cried, but my mum cried more because the guinea pig hadn't been feeling well and they were outside. This means she couldn't keep constant check on them. The next animal to go, my beloved dog. She was a Belgian Shepard and had grown up with me since I was a baby. I have pictures of me asleep on the sofa and she is lying at my feet. She was my sister. The last to go was my final guinea pig.  However what hurt me most was that they all didn't want to die. You could tell they were in pain, struggling, yet they were determined to fight it. If they had just gone in the night, the crying would have been less. But they didn't.
      I manage to hide my feelings well, usually because I have to be strong for my Mum who really takes their deaths to heart but I've found in recent years, it's hurt me more. In the middle of the night I'll wake up, eyes streaming. Heart aching.
    It's not just animals, humans too. When I was little, I lived near this women who kept Cats and China Dolls. She was a friend of my Mum's. Lovely woman. Not crazy, married and everything.  In 2003 we moved to a new house, and my Mum's friend/neighbour moved to another county, local but different all the same. We  said we'd go visit her in her new house. We never did. In 2007/2008, she was diagnosed with cancer, Breast cancer i believe. In May, I remember my Mum telling me that she'd gone into remission, she was getting better. But by the October, she'd got ill again and soon passed away. I barely remember her, seeing as I was 7 when we moved house. Yet my Mum still has her funeral service. She wasn't someone who I would have cried about, but she still makes a shadow in my memories.
             Many people die everyday and whilst this may seem select, I just wanted to share my sadness. For whilst I never cried when they first passed away, I'm crying now. I miss them. No matter how big or small a part they played in my life;they are what makes me. Me.

R.I.P- I will remember you always!

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